3) Empathy: While clarity of intention and awareness
get us onto the path to success, empathy and compassion
helps us to gain the support of others. When you begin to
see yourself in others and genuinely feel compassion for
them, you will find that others reciprocate these feelings.
I have found that showing genuine care and affection towards
people usually brings positive results. When the situation
has conflicts and divisiveness, the attitudes of warmth
and affection can diffuse the tension. At that point, it
is possible to become open to the idea of further exploration
for an amicable solution.
What
is empathy? It is like walking in another's shoes. It implies
the imaginative act of being the other person. Empathy is
the foundation for emotional intelligence. By being kind
and empathetic when you could be harsh, you allow yourself
to build lasting relationships with your colleagues, employees
and customers. Relationship building (a deeper approach
than networking) is a key skill that ensures success in
the turbulent time in which we live.
The
practice of empathy requires demonstrating openness, mutual
respect, and trust in our relationships. Deep listening,
not just to the words but the meaning behind the words,
is the foundation for an empathetic relationship. Sharing
from the heart and feeling the pain of the other nurtures
relationships. Empathy begets more empathy and is the source
of a creative partnership. Of course 'loving kindness' goes
a long way to build deep and meaningful friendships and
partnerships.
4)
Appreciation: While empathy opens the door, appreciation
welcomes you in. However empathetic we may be with each
other, we are naturally more attuned to finding fault with
one other than to appreciating one another as 'gifts.' It
may be best to tell the truth that is pleasing to others
and withhold what is disliked even if it is the truth. It
does not mean that we should lie to please others, but that
it may be better for people to find out such truth for themselves.
By appreciating and acknowledging others, we increase their
state of happiness. Many times they, in turn, reciprocate
and contribute happiness back to us and others they touch.
So
by letting you know that I appreciate what you have done
for me, genuinely and specifically, I let you know that
I honor and respect who you are. Appreciating a person and
his or her work, boosts morale and amplifies what gave rise
to that appreciation in the first place.
You
can only appreciate others to the extent that you can appreciate
yourself. So appreciation is also about self- acceptance.
Most of us rarely appreciate who we are and what we receive.
Self-acceptance accelerates the process of self-development.
How
do you practice self-acceptance? Make it a ritual every
day to find something positive that you have done or some
contribution that you have made to others. Even if the work
you have done has not yet produced the desired result, appreciate
the steps you have taken so far. Similarly, appreciate what
others do in their struggle to achieve the results they
want. Be authentic when you give such feedback, then you
and the other person can discuss how to improve the efforts
and get the desired results later on.
Appreciation
is not flattery but genuine acknowledgment of a person's
contribution. Find something nice to say to every person
you come across. (Don't make it up--look for what is nice
about them). Look into the others person's eyes and when
you do, watch what happens!
5)
Stretching beyond your own limits: We operate mostly
on autopilot. We become comfortable with the "karma
theory" (destiny) and when we fail, we say that it
is our fate and move on. While fate may have something to
do with what we get, if we don't learn from our failures
and take actions that stretch us beyond our comfort zone,
we are not using our free will to change the course of our
lives. Our intentions must be clear, active, and flexible.
In this stretch mode, we become immensely creative and passionate.
Why? Without such passion, we would not even attempt to
stretch in the first place. Success comes to those who are
passionate, intentional, aware of themselves and others,
can work with others empathetically, and appreciate who
they are. Their willingness to stretch beyond their own
perceived limits, of course, requires risk taking.
People
are naturally uncomfortable about taking risks and failing
because we have a habit of focusing only on the end result.
We don't accept or appreciate failure very well. So called
'failures' often create mental blocks in us and boundaries
around us. Most of these boundaries are self- imposed. By
learning to stretch even though we don't want to, we begin
to break through these mental barriers and discover our
untapped potential. Again, when we know that we are appreciated
and not judged, we have an easier time to stretch beyond
our limits.
Curiosity,
genuine inquiry (not inquisition), empathy, and appreciation
provide the impetus and support for people to stretch beyond
their own self-imposed limits and to discover new possibilities.
Aspiration and desperation are two good motivators for stretching
beyond our limits.
To
practice the principle of stretching the limits, find opportunities
to learn and be vulnerable. Vulnerability does not mean
being weak. It is about being in the state of not knowing
and hence being open to learning. Your ability to learn
is directly proportional to your ability to be vulnerable.
I remembered a situation in which many people from India
were talking about a bicycle tour of a nearby village. Most
husbands were pretty excited and did not bother to consult
their spouses. There was one gentleman who quietly said
that it is not possible for him to come because he never
learned how to ride a bicycle. He was afraid that people
will laugh at him but surprisingly another friend of mine
said, he did not know either did not have the courage to
say so in front of others. Very quickly, our spouses joined
the conversation and we found that only 2 out of 8 spouses
knew how to ride a bicycle. What it meant was that the bicycle
tour was impractical from the beginning and only because
of this courageous gentleman who was willing to be vulnerable
we would not found that out soon enough to plan something
else!
How
to be vulnerable? Be willing to fail, look stupid, and ask
questions instead of making assumptions. Practice telling
the truth when you are not sure of what the implications
may be. Interestingly, you will find out that you are modeling
a behavior that leads to stretching the
limits. You are creating an environment of nurturing and
caring in which other people can also let their guard down
and discover themselves to be bigger than they ever imagined.
6)
Letting go of what does not work: While the first
five principles can get you to the edge of success, success
eludes those who do not know when to let go and move on.
Habits are difficult to change because we continue to do
what we have always done by default and expect different
results. By learning to let go of our old mindsets, we can
begin to discover new possibilities and new approaches.
Letting go does not mean giving up. It means not worrying
about the result while continuing to perform the action.
That posture gives us the freedom to act in a relaxed, yet
focused manner. Many top athletes I interviewed talked about
setting high goals and then letting go of their attachment
to those goals. This strategy makes them freer to play their
natural game and to bring out the best in them.
Letting
go is also about flexibility and good judgment. When I know
what to let go of and when to do so, I can take responsibility
for what I can hold onto and for how long I must do so.
I can only take responsibilities for what I have freedom
to let go of. I cannot take accountability for any of my
actions in which I don't have such freedom.
The
cycle of the six principles:
Intention provides the direction and focus for our actions.
Awareness gives us the capacity and intelligence to go after
our goal. Empathy helps us to build partnerships with others,
and appreciation is the key to motivation and productivity.
Stretching beyond our perceived limits helps us to grow
and meet challenges, and letting go of our attachments assures
not only success but accomplishment. Obviously, when we
succeed in what we have undertaken, it is time to go back
and clarify our intentions all over again as we set new
goals.
I
believe that practicing these six principles with self-awareness
should lead us to not only success, but also self-discovery.
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